The Clothes Make the Man

Most men will never admit to giving 3 seconds of consideration to what they put on when they walk out the door, but I feel this is bullshit on every level. At the very least, shirt selection is a pre-calculated decision that will reveal some sort of effor ranging from "PSEUDO-NOT-CARING" to "THIS MATCHES MY MOOD TODAY, SMOOCHES!!!"

Having a background in marketing, I constantly analyze, criticize, and villianize some brands and their efforts to be well-loved by the Americal male. Let's take a look at a few of my favorites in no particular order.

UNDER ARMOUR

This athletic apparel came on the scene a number of years ago predominantly recognized in football. It has value in that particular application, but the problem is that Under Armour has now invaded everything, thus losing it's appeal.

You know who are big Under Armour supporters/wearers/fags?...Dads. Grocery shopping on a Saturday morning is going great until I see Jim, father of three, 5'10'', 275lbs squeezing mangos draped head-to-toe in Under Armour. What's the deal Jim? Is a rowdy game of nothing about to break out in frozen foods? Or maybe you are a little concerned about breaking into a full-blown drip of sweat while reaching for the hockey bag full of pork rinds. These guys can't even run the 40yd dash in less than, well, sadly most of them probably can't even run 40yds period. You either can't let go of your high school sports days of mediocrity, or actually believe wearing this bullshit will make people think you are athletic, both sadden me. I have under armour too! They're called fucking BONES and they protect my vital organs, and bonus: I didn't pay $75+ for them! Win, me.

AFFLICTION/TAP OUT/OTHER AGRESSIVE ACTION VERBS

If you wear this garbage, PLEASE stop immediately. Similar to how Under Armour makes dads feel athletic, Affliction & Tap Out DO NOT MAKE YOU A BADASS! In fact, I'd bet that 70% of the asshats that wear these brands would get the shit beat out of them relatively easily. Also, probably 100% of them drive trucks and you know what that meansssssss: SMALL PENIS!!! So you want to really put on this public facade of being a big, tough shit kicker when in reality this is the male equivalent to having acrylic nails, platinum blonde hair extensions and a wonder bra. Look at these stunning examples:
The guy in the middle looks Morpheus banged Willy Wonka and this thing popped out.

Also, nothing says I'll fuck your face up better than a pair of Affliction flip-flops! This devalues the brand in my opinion because nobody has ever looked intimidating in flip-flops...EVER! It's like "OFF!" brand bug spray coming out with a new product scent called "Malaria", it just doesn't make sense.


I have even been seeing little no-name brands trying to come up and cash in on the action-verb-based clothing line. Maybe I can suggest some of my own like

-Bludgeoning
-Chug
-Rape

You're all gay and possibly retarded for thinking a t-shirt makes you tough. I think I had a similar viewpoint when I was 9 and bought my first pair of Reebok Pumps thinking I'd be able to dunk. Bottom line, they sell this shit in Spencer's Gifts and the only clothing that should be bought there is a gag shirt for your dad's 50th birthday, it's novelty stuff, not Macy's on Muscle Milk.

MOSSY OAK/REAL TREE

I live in Western Pennsylvania, but I know this is not a regional phenomenon. What the fuck makes people think that wearing this hunting gear in a non-hunting setting should be socially acceptable?! Outdoor activities are great, from Cornhole to big game hunting, and I myself am an avid fly fisherman, but that doesn't mean I'm going to wear my fucking chest waders and fishing chest pack to Target. This is stuff that is made to keep you disguised from your prey, which I completely understand, but do you really have nothing else at home that it became your primary choice of clothing for going to Denny's for a Grand Slam Breakfast? Some may see my viewpoint as a little critical, but these two brands have ejaculated their camouflage glory onto products and items that will never need to look like a bunch of bark and leaves. Take this for example:Seriously, a fucking wallet?! I wouldn't be surprised if this was a velcro wallet, but not just any velcro, one that was engineered to be silent velcro that won't scare the trophy buck away as you reach to pull out your Durex to try and go bang the deer.

Here is another glorious example of where this brand doesn't belong: How bout that? A God-damned cake that looks like a tree. How delicious looking. I'd bet my next 2 months pay this was for a wedding in Alabama.

ZUBAZ
For the love of God bring these back! If this guy doesn't look like he's having the greatest time ever, I don't know who does. They were like sweatpants on acid. Zubaz might be one of the coolest pairs of pants ever made, unless you are a Minnesota Vikings fan and are eerily comfortable in purple pants.
Speaking of purple pants...

HYPERCOLOR
So maybe I'm getting out of date and pointing out things you don't see much of anymore, but I'd love to meet the genius behind Hypercolor. Let's be honest, who doesn't want to wear an article of clothing that will let everybody know you have a warm semi rockin' in your shorts or possible pink camel toe?, or easily lead construction workers and 13 year olds to call you "Hot Tits" with it being completely accurate. Also, why is her box apparently freezing cold and what does this say about her? You just can't win with Hypercolor because it is saying something about you that someone will interpret incorrectly. What happens to guy in purple shorts when he rips an epic fart and it's one of those hot ones that smell putrid? Do the shorts turn white around the anus and he looks like he had an asshole bleaching incident gone wrong? Try explaining that to mom.

MISCELLANEOUS

So I want to wrap this up by discussing two other aspects of men's clothing that don't pertain to a specific brand, but make me want to empty a clip on you if you are a supporter of the following two:

THE FOREARM SWEAT BAND

Listen Guy Fieri wanna-be, or hoopster extrordinaire, this makes you look like a moron, unless you actually are Guy Fieri, in which you would get a free pass in exchange for some fish tacosI see dudes rocking this accessory and ALWAYS want to ask why. I truly see no redeeming value to wearing this. It makes you look like a jackass, and furthermore, some of them have FUCKING 'TAP OUT' WRITTEN ON THEM! SHOOT ME IN THE FACE! Ok, just stop it. That's all I can say about it, stop it.

GOTH PANTS

I can honestly say I don't relate to the goth lifestyle and for good reason, I was blessed with social skills. Dressing like a corpse in pants that were made for Precious send out a message that, well, I don't really get. And the odd oversized pocket placement, what's that all about? Who the hell wants to have to unzip something on their taint to retrieve their Mossy Oak velcro wallet?...not this guy. I don't get why the pants have to be the width that they are.My natural assumption is it is a defense mechanism to avoid being beaten by a dude in Affliction flip flops.

"Oh, look at Edward, so goth and so black, wait a minute, his legs are as thick as sequoias, maybe I should re-think this."

The joke is on them! Your little bird legs pulled off the ultimate defense! Now celebrate with walking around the mall with your equally corpse looking girlfriend, hunched over like you both have scoliosis and couldn't smile if you were paid to.

For the record, maybe I should try and give you an example of how I perceive my own stylings since I just spent time bashing other people's clothing choices. This probably best exemplifies me:

Drink it in, bitches!

The Guy Who Died From Diseases Nobody's Ever Heard Of

I am 28 years old, pushing 29 in about a month. I have told previous tales of my overly-exaggerated deteriorating health on here before when I introduced many of you to my protagonist/antagonist, David vs. Coloniath struggle known as Diverticulitis. Yes, it is still prevalent in my life but with the tools only most senior citizens deploy (Metamucil, Shredded Wheat, Yogurt) I have been on the winning end of this battle for now.



Feeding your curiosity of where this is going, I will move on. I missed an entire fucking week of work last week. Don't rejoice in what a pleasure some of you may see this as. Here's how it went down:

Sunday, May 23: I go out to play a round of golf with good friend and oft-referred to as an Anthony Kim look-a-like, Ben.



We play bad rounds of golf that we are quick to blame on everything from humidity to the oil spill in the Gulf. One thing is undoubtedly a factor in my piss poor game though...ALLERGIES! Go ahead, call me a pussy, make some comment about how millions of people suffer from them and I am just being weak. Fits of 6, 7, even 9 sneezes in a row, eyes that felt like 180-grit sandpaper and a nose that wasn't even leaking snot, this fucker was literally shooting out water and I almost sold the patent to Moen.

Now I have tried a myriad of allergy medications over the years all with odd results. Some made me narcoleptic, some made my head disconnect from my body like a helium balloon and some just did nothing. I have taken a stand and decided no more allergy meds for me, and I will just ride it out for whatever reason.

Fast forward a to that evening. I get home and am dizzy. Plain and simple just a little light-headed. My girlfriend completely attributes this to being dehydrated and in the sun all day golfing, so I chug some soda, some water and continue on making dinner for us.

Hours later, I am getting to a point where a person suffering from Multiple Sclerosis could walk a straighter line. Fuck it, I'm tired, I need to get up at 4:30am to start my work week so I'm calling it a night.

Monday, May 24: 4:30am alarm goes off, I pop up as usual and face plant into my wall 3ft away. Ok, still dizzy I guess. Go downstairs for my coffee, and sloppily ninja roll down the last 5 stairs. My OCD for work-related routines is still blocking the logic receptors in my brain from realizing something is definitely wrong. I proceed to shower, and God shines his light on me allows me to not fall over and die in a naked, wet mess.

Kiss the girl and whisper "Goodbye" (FUCK YOU, I at least own my actions) and get behind the wheel for my usual 65 mile journey to work. I make it officially 3.2 miles before I drive my car directly off the road from not being able to see straight or focus. I turn that whip around and go back home and call off, something is not right and the logic part of me just allowed the light bulb to turn on.

So Monday is a waste. I sleep 18 hours and the room starts to spin like a giant DJ Hi-Tek treating my room like a record. Massive amounts of vomit ensue.

Tuesday, May 25: More of the same if not worse, so my mom (who happens to be a nurse and works at my doc's office) realizes I'm not faking it to avoid work. With no way of being transported, she get's my doc to call in a prescription of Valium and something else for nausea (over the phone diagnosis: VERTIGO).


Food eaten since Sunday night: One half of an english muffin and 2 popsicles

Wednesday, May 26: I can't even believe this is still going on and even getting worse. If I had one of those Rascal Scooters, I would have not only rocked the shit out of it, but even probably wrecked it several times from lack of balance, depth perception, focus and general equilibrium.



My doc says that it is imperative I get in to see her that day, so my girl graciously takes the day off work to haul my ass to the doctor's office.

-Get ears checked
-Get nose/throat checked
-Do medical equivalent of a field sobriety test
-Talk about how I have felt for about 10 minutes before dry heaving in the direction of my doc

DIAGNOSIS: Labrinthitis: basically an innear ear problem that can last from a week to months, resulting in severe vertigo, yakking, and other fun bodily disfunctions. Labrinthitis...really?!? This sounds so made up that all I could picture was an androgynously-clad David Bowie in a similarly titled movie.


My doc is usually very conservative and tells me that she is going to double the dosage of my Valium, give me an even stronger anti-nausea med and even recommends that I go to the hospital to be put on a super-dramamine IV to stabalize me. WTF?!?! I pass on the hospital options because that would cost me about $500 out of pocket in my health insurance deductible, so I just follow her other orders.

She then tells me that I'm not allowed to work the rest of the week and to not even think about operating a motor vehicle, or even scaling a flight of stairs without proper assistance.

So yeah, then Thursday and Friday are complete wastes of a day. I sleep, eat a few more popsicles, shed a few more pounds, puke a few more litres of bile. Real quality "me" time if you can only imagine the joy.

Sunday rolls around and I FINALLY get medical clearance to drive a vehicle again, and permission to work again with the warning that my symptoms can return at any point and to not take it lightly if they do.

Diverticulitis, Labrinthitis, if you could take bets on my health right now, I'd give you 2 to 1 odds I develop another "-itis" before I hit 35 and will give a 5x bonus payout to the person who correctly guesses which one.

Lock of the week = BRONCHITIS
Sleeper pick of the week = MENINGITIS


I will wrap up today by telling you that I am currently still suffering from some dizziness, but have otherwise made a near full recovery. The allergies though, the trigger to all of my latest problems persist.

Just this morning, I was brushing my teeth before work and I will make a plug that will get me absolutely nothing, but I am a firm believer in my Oral-B Vitality electric toothbrush. Anywho, I'm brushing away when the Moen nose kicks in and starts to trigger a series of sneezes, mid-brush. WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?!?!

First sneeze approaches. Coming...coming...I keep brushing like a retard and plug my nose. BOOM! A powerhouse sneeze combined with a 50,000 rpm toothbrush and mouth full of toothpaste produces a minty spackling job all over my bathroom mirror that looks like the handy work of an autistic construction worker.

OH SHIT! HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE!

Second sneeze quickly approaching. Coming...coming...pull toothbruth out, don't plug nose, but close mouth and try to hold it in (mouth still full of toothpaste) BOOM! Vertical eruption up into my nose and sinus cavity that can only be described as what it might feel like if Newport cigarettes manufactured cocaine.




I brushed my teeth hours ago and have been blowing a slimy snot/Sensodyne with Whitening concoction out of my schnoz ever since. After the initial burn, it is becoming oddly refreshing to breathe in through my nose.

Ok, that's it, I am sick of having hit "ALT + TAB" every ten minutes some shithead walks in my office, so I bid you all good health, a great weekend, and a Shaq-sized middle finger to allergies and anything that ends in "-itis".