Feeding your curiosity of where this is going, I will move on. I missed an entire fucking week of work last week. Don't rejoice in what a pleasure some of you may see this as. Here's how it went down:
Sunday, May 23: I go out to play a round of golf with good friend and oft-referred to as an Anthony Kim look-a-like, Ben.
We play bad rounds of golf that we are quick to blame on everything from humidity to the oil spill in the Gulf. One thing is undoubtedly a factor in my piss poor game though...ALLERGIES! Go ahead, call me a pussy, make some comment about how millions of people suffer from them and I am just being weak. Fits of 6, 7, even 9 sneezes in a row, eyes that felt like 180-grit sandpaper and a nose that wasn't even leaking snot, this fucker was literally shooting out water and I almost sold the patent to Moen.
Now I have tried a myriad of allergy medications over the years all with odd results. Some made me narcoleptic, some made my head disconnect from my body like a helium balloon and some just did nothing. I have taken a stand and decided no more allergy meds for me, and I will just ride it out for whatever reason.
Fast forward a to that evening. I get home and am dizzy. Plain and simple just a little light-headed. My girlfriend completely attributes this to being dehydrated and in the sun all day golfing, so I chug some soda, some water and continue on making dinner for us.
Hours later, I am getting to a point where a person suffering from Multiple Sclerosis could walk a straighter line. Fuck it, I'm tired, I need to get up at 4:30am to start my work week so I'm calling it a night.
Monday, May 24: 4:30am alarm goes off, I pop up as usual and face plant into my wall 3ft away. Ok, still dizzy I guess. Go downstairs for my coffee, and sloppily ninja roll down the last 5 stairs. My OCD for work-related routines is still blocking the logic receptors in my brain from realizing something is definitely wrong. I proceed to shower, and God shines his light on me allows me to not fall over and die in a naked, wet mess.
Kiss the girl and whisper "Goodbye" (FUCK YOU, I at least own my actions) and get behind the wheel for my usual 65 mile journey to work. I make it officially 3.2 miles before I drive my car directly off the road from not being able to see straight or focus. I turn that whip around and go back home and call off, something is not right and the logic part of me just allowed the light bulb to turn on.
So Monday is a waste. I sleep 18 hours and the room starts to spin like a giant DJ Hi-Tek treating my room like a record. Massive amounts of vomit ensue.
Tuesday, May 25: More of the same if not worse, so my mom (who happens to be a nurse and works at my doc's office) realizes I'm not faking it to avoid work. With no way of being transported, she get's my doc to call in a prescription of Valium and something else for nausea (over the phone diagnosis: VERTIGO).
Food eaten since Sunday night: One half of an english muffin and 2 popsicles
Wednesday, May 26: I can't even believe this is still going on and even getting worse. If I had one of those Rascal Scooters, I would have not only rocked the shit out of it, but even probably wrecked it several times from lack of balance, depth perception, focus and general equilibrium.
My doc says that it is imperative I get in to see her that day, so my girl graciously takes the day off work to haul my ass to the doctor's office.
-Get ears checked
-Get nose/throat checked
-Do medical equivalent of a field sobriety test
-Talk about how I have felt for about 10 minutes before dry heaving in the direction of my doc
DIAGNOSIS: Labrinthitis: basically an innear ear problem that can last from a week to months, resulting in severe vertigo, yakking, and other fun bodily disfunctions. Labrinthitis...really?!? This sounds so made up that all I could picture was an androgynously-clad David Bowie in a similarly titled movie.
My doc is usually very conservative and tells me that she is going to double the dosage of my Valium, give me an even stronger anti-nausea med and even recommends that I go to the hospital to be put on a super-dramamine IV to stabalize me. WTF?!?! I pass on the hospital options because that would cost me about $500 out of pocket in my health insurance deductible, so I just follow her other orders.
She then tells me that I'm not allowed to work the rest of the week and to not even think about operating a motor vehicle, or even scaling a flight of stairs without proper assistance.
So yeah, then Thursday and Friday are complete wastes of a day. I sleep, eat a few more popsicles, shed a few more pounds, puke a few more litres of bile. Real quality "me" time if you can only imagine the joy.
Sunday rolls around and I FINALLY get medical clearance to drive a vehicle again, and permission to work again with the warning that my symptoms can return at any point and to not take it lightly if they do.
Diverticulitis, Labrinthitis, if you could take bets on my health right now, I'd give you 2 to 1 odds I develop another "-itis" before I hit 35 and will give a 5x bonus payout to the person who correctly guesses which one.
Lock of the week = BRONCHITIS
Sleeper pick of the week = MENINGITIS
I will wrap up today by telling you that I am currently still suffering from some dizziness, but have otherwise made a near full recovery. The allergies though, the trigger to all of my latest problems persist.
Just this morning, I was brushing my teeth before work and I will make a plug that will get me absolutely nothing, but I am a firm believer in my Oral-B Vitality electric toothbrush. Anywho, I'm brushing away when the Moen nose kicks in and starts to trigger a series of sneezes, mid-brush. WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?!?!
First sneeze approaches. Coming...coming...I keep brushing like a retard and plug my nose. BOOM! A powerhouse sneeze combined with a 50,000 rpm toothbrush and mouth full of toothpaste produces a minty spackling job all over my bathroom mirror that looks like the handy work of an autistic construction worker.
OH SHIT! HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE!
Second sneeze quickly approaching. Coming...coming...pull toothbruth out, don't plug nose, but close mouth and try to hold it in (mouth still full of toothpaste) BOOM! Vertical eruption up into my nose and sinus cavity that can only be described as what it might feel like if Newport cigarettes manufactured cocaine.
I brushed my teeth hours ago and have been blowing a slimy snot/Sensodyne with Whitening concoction out of my schnoz ever since. After the initial burn, it is becoming oddly refreshing to breathe in through my nose.
Ok, that's it, I am sick of having hit "ALT + TAB" every ten minutes some shithead walks in my office, so I bid you all good health, a great weekend, and a Shaq-sized middle finger to allergies and anything that ends in "-itis".
No comments:
Post a Comment