Highways, Byways and Go F*ck Yourself My way

I absolutely love to drive.

There is just something liberating and exhilirating about being behind the wheel that I can't explain. Is it the fact that speeding is fun, dangerous and illegal? Maybe. Could it be that my car is the only place that I have complete control over everyting (what i'm listening to, how loud, how hot/cold, how fast/slow, seat position, etc.) and my dictatorship on wheels gets me off? It's plausible. Do I think I'm a fag for asking myself questions and then answering them? Aaaabsolutely.

In addition to finding kinetic bliss while in my car, I also experience rage that could easily lead someone to believe I'm about to commit violent acts that are hardly warranted. I will humble myself for a nano-second though and admit I'm only a tough guy while inside my car. If a situation were to actually go down and a roadside fight was in the works, I'd speed off with a heart rate of 236bpm and still somehow probably dismiss calling myself a pussy.

The mere fact that what you are driving provokes me to make snap judgments and assumptions about you is probably wrong, but I don't look at it as superficial, my demented state takes it much deeper (that's what she said). Let's take a closer look and expose some truths, some asshole-ish opinions, and some straight up mental fabrications spawned from an odd blend of stereotypes, personal experiences and college drug use.

You drive a truck = you are a redneck with a small penis. The bigger the truck, the more your junk looks like an egg sitting in a bird's nest. The louder your truck...the more attention you crave that your Budweiser-slugging mother or local trailer park molester never gave you. You are instantly an asshole to me and I wish your truck would blow up. Oh, you have customizations to that barge on wheels? Congratulations! I'm glad you got more lights on your truck than in your house and need a fucking escalator to get into that shit box, we're all REEEAAAL impressed. Please make my day when I look at you in total disgust and say something to justify it's white trash glory like "It's great for draggin' naggers!" or "It has two functions: haulin' steers and scarin' queers". And let's call a spade a spade, you only put 36'' tires on that behemoth so it would be easier to stick your baby dick in the tail pipe.


You drive a luxury car = you don't deserve it and are probably a dickhead/cunt. I admire luxury vehicles because they are luxurious. Wow, talk about profound thought of the day. In essence, cars serve one purpose: To transport us from one point to another. That's it! So luxury cars really aren't doing anything different than some turd on wheels, but making the journey much more enjoyable. One of my best experiences tapping into this world of luxurious auto transport was going to a Pirate game with my old boss in a $95,000 BMW 7-series. It was mid-July and swamp-ass could begin in a moments notice. This car air-conditioned my ass for 60 miles right through the bottom of the seat! Glorious! Ok, I'm getting off topic. When I see people driving these cars the following process takes place internally:

Man or Woman driving?

• Man = He must be a doctor or lawyer. They are somehow the only professions that make money in my subconscious.


• Woman = What a bitch. I bet she cleaned some doctor or lawyer out in the divorce. There is no way she should be driving that because women are terrible drivers (sad but true) and she's just going to fuck it up.

Age of man driving?

• 40 or younger = Shithead, and is a prick in all circumstances, probably also has small penis.


• 41 and older = Must be nice. That guy probably has a sick job and and even sicker house. I better have one of those in 20 years or I'll take it out on my kids.

Age of woman driving?

• 40 or younger = I bet she can suck an egg through a coffee straw. If giving a good blowj was the only requirement to have that kind of a ride, I'd buy a bottle of Crown Royal, buy some bananas or kielbasa and do a "dry run".


• 41 and older = Never ever had a job. What a sexist but brutally honest snap judgement to make. Apparently my mind finds it impossible for a woman to earn such automotive stature on her own. And I'm all for women excelling in the workplace, just last week my secretary earned an extra 5 minutes at lunch by learning self-adhesive stamps don't need licked. She's now a free-range secretary. It's called progression people, embrace it.
  
  
  

You drive a convertible = you're either gay, mildly retarded, or think it somehow will give you a +5 boost in sexual prowess. Seeing convertibles makes me strongly believe this person falls for every email scam, has purchased meat out of a truck at some point, and could be easily coerced into buying a time share in Pakistan. I live in Pennsyl-fucking-vania! You are lucky if you get 6 hours a year to have that top down, and for those epic 6 hours, you look like a tool. I'll admit this for the first time publicly, but when I was a college student, I was driving past a convertible parked on the street (top down) and became so annoyed by the site of it, that I threw a huge McDonald's bag of garbage in it as I passed it. It was evil, wrong, immature and...cathartic! Yes, it felt gooooooood. Stupid asshole paying more for less car. Ha! I have a metal roof that protects me from alllllllllll! I could stab your roof with a knife and game over!

Alright, I think you get the picture...I basically hate everybody else on the road and what they drive. Did I mention that I feel I am a superior driver to all other motorists? Yeah, with absolutely no concrete evidence, it is my true beliefe that I am superior in skill than 99.99% of other drivers on the road. I envision others in total awe of my ability to conquer obstructions, use proper technique in signaling and checking blind spots and even park in any spot with ease. Again, this is a complete figment of my imagination and I'm really only impressing myself. Maybe I will buy the bananas and kielbasa and simultaneously consider bottom rib removal surgery...GOOD JOB ME! Now go earn yourself a Lexus from yourself!